faZENblog

It’s my last week of maternity leave…today is my last weekday alone taking care of Felix. We start daycare on Monday. All week my heart has been breaking at the thought. I haven’t been crying all day long, but I would start thinking about how the daycare staff probably won’t have as much time to hold and tend to him on a minute-to-minute basis as I do and the tears would start up again and again. I dreaded the end of the week and the end of our time together. I felt incredibly guilty and a bad mother for going back to work and leaving him with someone else, someone I didn’t know.

However, today I felt different. Instead of a heavy heart, the thought came to me that “All good things must come to an end.” We spent a happy day together (well, until the usual 5 o’clock fussies came around) instead of the depressing day I thought I’d have. That phrase ran through my head and made me realize I couldn’t cling to this forever…I’d have to let him go at some point, and since I’m still convinced going back to work is the right thing to do, that time needed to be now.

I also realized that that this is my first “character” parenting moment. I’ve been handling his physical needs, but this was my first life lesson for Felix. I need to lead by example. Life is full of tough decisions and there are always good and bad sides to each choice you make. Would I want him to sulk and sob when a potentially difficult fork in the road was coming up or would I rather him be grateful for the joyful time he had left and choose to be optimistic about the future?

Yes, there are some downsides to his going into daycare, but I have to believe the positives will outweigh the negatives in the long run. Keeping my job will be good for me, and being around other children will be good for him.

When Felix is upset, we’ll say in a low, reassuring voice, “Felix is okay.” I’m glad that I’m finally feeling okay too.